old friend.

I took off from work early to seek some green pasture. It's been a while since I've roamed in the streets of Makati and all it's petrifying, awesome glory. The tall buildings of steel and glass, the old buildings of concrete and cement, the roads lined with trees and crudely done plastic stars that was adorned from trunk to branch, the seemingly missing electrical posts smartly hidden deep below the streets. The underground passageways leading to every corner of Ayala avenue.

The supposed "mock" interview took about an hour. And it was conveniently located behind philam life.

There was this friend that I have missed during the 8 months we were apart. The last time we met was valentines day. He was off to the US and when he got back I was on my way to Cebu. It was about time I paid him a surprise visit.

I walked in the classy, sophisticated building and left my id and headed up to the 16th floor.
The guard was there and I asked if he was still there, so he called up his cubicle and asked for Jr, then he told me that I was out front.

I went in their lobby, with the sleek green seats and waited for one of my most favorite people in the world.

He got out, wearing his usual green striped polo and slacks, he looked at me and smiled a mile wide and we hugged tight laughing after being separated for 8 months, it was nice to see him again.

We talked while he and yanyan smoked, and he went to send some e-mails and we took a long walk to the mrt station.

It was 30 minutes of endless chitchat. We were squeezing all what we could in that short time until we meet again soon for another dinner session. He was mostly listening to me talk. With all my giddy laughter and my cursing. While he gave out inputs and such and shared some of his own stories.

We got to the station, shared one last hug and promised to meet for dinner soon.

moderately alive

I got back to work in Manila after a week of being sick. Hence it was another week of a "vacation" which wasn't really a vacation. a vacation means mimosas by the pool, sex on the beach at the beach and maybe good food and friends, but no, I was stuck just eating porridge painfully, bleeding sores, and sporting a lovely fever.

note the sarcasm.

What else is there? Aside from the current state of limbo with regards to the new project which will be starting November, nihongo lessons at it again. There is nothing new.

Since everything seems to know what the world is up to anyway :)

The world spins madly on...

There are times words fail me. And in those times I am in my most vulnerable or lethargic state.

I just got back from the farewell + birthday treat of my groupmates. Which was a surprise since we were supposed to be treating them.

The little gesture touched me. Deeply.

My days in cebu are numbered. and I am trying to fit in everything that I can. Today's release day, a get together dinner with friends, and maybe a little something more.

Despite the stress, the mind ache, there is a dull, almost repetitive pain in my chest. Nothing in the physical, but an emotional turmoil that I know would eat me alive in the coming days when I reach home.

I want to try and stop time, even for a single moment, just to gather all my thoughts and collect them and nurture them in the dying corners of my mind.

But to my horror and dismay, I do not have such a power. And while I weep and while each day I die a little more, the world spins madly on.

revisited : the (not-so) critical mind of yours truly

I was having fun reading my ancient blog entries and I saw my old critique for an Artificial Intelligence article from my sophomore college years.

I still couldn't believe I was able to get away with writing a report for school like this. Hehe

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Critique for Intelligence without Reason:

For the fact I have once again procrastinated due to immense load of work, not to mention this hovering friend of mine called laziness, here I am slaving away at two in the morning typing up my critique. Which I believe I am just jotting down random blathering instead of the said critique. As this caffeine induced student of yours had just got her 4 grams of coffee kicked in her system, and is now typing up a storm of nothings.

(please ignore above paragraph, but I hope it made you smile even wanly).

Intelligence without reason which is the title of the gory twenty-two page article is indeed missing when reading the pages of the five different main points. Unless I am too sleepy to decipher it’s hidden meaning. Upon reading the last page, he [the author] even admits to the readers the title is indeed ambiguous, which means I am still alive at some point and I still understood the article while I was dozing off and kept injecting coffee to keep myself awake.

I found it very hard to jump from its different viewpoints. Maybe also the fact it was somewhat boring. The statements made might be a good read if I probably had a master’s degree specializing in Artificial Intelligence or Robotics for that matter, after all, reading those immensely deep technical jargon was too much for a sophomore student, well probably not the one’s who has a brain the size of well, let’s say Marceniño Bautista if you know what I mean. Maybe if I had a computer dictionary…

But going back to the article, I’d say it had taught me on the evolution of the constantly changing Artificial Intelligence Systems, never knowing that the only way of searching was to place the search algorithms in assembly language…ASSEMBLY! ASM, COMOLAB, registers, at present I was only doing addition and subtraction, and there they were 20 years ago implementing search trees on itty-bitty spaced memory, now we have LISP, we have PROLOG, and I’m glad. People envisioned having computers think like humans long before there were good computers that do AI for RTS games like Warcraft III (go Night elves!). Not only that, countless robots can now do your housework, and probably your homework but is banned in probably 500 states, play soccer, and can be your pet (now this rivals Richie Rich’s maid Irona). And the next thing we know, we’ll be in a star-wars era and have a C3PO friend hovering around us getting gas in their system, while we have the usual of pizzas and chicken.

But of course to live in that vision, (like the article said), we must first change the way we think of developing these systems. We are doing a good job, but it is not so good. To understand the problem we must understand ourselves first. The complexity of the human mind is still to big to break down into the parts where it will hold the key into inserting it through the locked doors of the perfect AI. So, instead of looking for the dratted key. Go search for a window. Or maybe a backdoor. Find different alternatives, and be diverse in looking for any possible solution. And maybe we can make these Intelligent systems better.

caffeine, nicotine, and a little infinity on high, under the cork tree

I am tingling in this coffee, sugar, and music rush.

Last year, it was just caffeine and nicotine, now i've added a little bit of infinity on high. and god, my soul is singing once again and my heart is speeding at this alarming, fast-paced rate. My fingers are trembling as I typed this entry. And god, it feels so good. To be abnormally, yet naturally high. I haven't felt this way in years. The open inhibitions that embraced me to be flying towards the pale blue sky.

I spent most of the lunch break today at BOs. I bought Fita crackers and A box of West Ice. I sat and ordered an Iced Cafe Latte and under the bright, beautiful sun. It was kissing me with all it's warmth and heat..

Drag after drag and Sip after sip and the beat of the drums and the strums of the guitar pierced my bewildered heart. Whom took it all in, openly and freely, until it ached from all the pleasure and pain.

I should experience this more... I swear... I never felt so completely and utterly alive. The madness fulfilled me. The tears want to fall and yet the mouth wants to escape giddy laughter.

I am a total and complete mess.

it's been a while

the last few weeks were a whirlwind. and i couldn't really think of anything to describe it but indescribable.

So, this is it.

It has been another usual day. The usual pondering in the glaring screen. A little gelato treat to lift the spirits and to soothe the soul. the soft and powdery flavor of cappuccino and mangoes have brightened my mood on this rainy thursday. And I treated Helen to her melon gelato which have eased her stressed predicament since the whole DD phase.

When the e-mail came of his cake and gift, that's when the realization hit me, it will be his last day, and I was far away to be able to clap to the speech and make the usual dry comments that made me, me.

17:00 hours, and the speeches began. I have missed the 0.75 hours busy editing my code only to be reminded by the little boy that the speeches are over and that was that. The ultimo adios of the Super Engineer, Bomberman addict, Ned-Ad guy, Pillar of NSP, one of the greatest people in the office, and simply put, my friend.

It had the same feeling as when she left. A sick little pang in the stomach. No tears in my eyes (it's difficult for me to cry lately...), but I know I'd be missing a lot. The laughter, get-togethers and talks that may or may not be continued in the future. But I can safely say I have gathered enough memories for those two years to relive the memories over and over again.

Let go. But never forget.

To grow means to move on, and people are growing. Left and right, they have sprouted wings and have risked to take flight, away from the safe cocoon and into the vast skies.

Soon, I will be flying as well.

じゃ、また　あとで.

tired.

i am close to 2 months in cebu. frankly, you think i'm still up and at em frolicking around in the queen city of the south.

most of the time, i have to drag myself out of bed. literally. i wake up each day at around 9:30, half an hour before the uber flex-time ends. I take quick showers, pull up my day to 2 day old jeans and a shirt, my hair in a wild disarray of bangs and strands, then me and helen will set of to work either by cab or jeep then we either race to the time clock to punch in our id numbers(twice for good measure) and settle ourselves to work.

the feeling of summer vacation ended when ben went home to Manila last 27th of august.the skies were gray and the rain poured. the bed felt empty. i got sick and even if i am sporting a normal temperature, i still feel sick. my head was heavy and i keep getting headaches in the office while i work.

chucking paracetamol on a day to day basis for my headaches is startling, i don't want to end up being like House stuck on pain relievers so i tried stopping the meds. and i'm feeling a bit out of the weather and i am coming down with a cold. which i am chucking vitamin Cs (not yosi, mind you).

during work, i sit on my place at the cebu office, glancing 8 or more hours on the screen while thinking of logics and algorithms, coding at a manic pace to beat the never ending deadlines. each milestone finished was like a victory and a reminder that the more i work on this the faster i can get home.

it's been a while since i whined. i haven't whined about my work (with regards to project) since it was that dreadful 3am and I wanted to go home but got home at 6am. i was whining like a baby, and i got over it. somewhat. i didn't even bother with the business trips and AOTS anymore, some things are really not meant to be. and I know I have something more in store later on.

since i am back here in cebu, i was dreading the replay of what happened a year ago. the reworks, the revisions, and the failure of coding. my lame algorithms and my even lamer logic. the hasty, and sloppy work i did that took a toll on the start of a supposedly nice career.

i hope i'm making up for it now. i don't want to assume anything just yet. but i want to prove this one last thing, i want to make my mark before i leave. and have digitally logged created by NSP D. Lee in codes that will be floating in repositories when i'm gone. Documents that have my name on the initial drafts , to be continued or to be referenced by the new hopefuls and to all the other memories and experiences that i may have or have not shared with the people i've worked with, the little things, from my unexceptionally loud voice, to the times i was serious enough to give actual advice, to any other realization, and to the people who have humbled me and who have inspired me to do my best.

it's 12:45am.
i'm going to bed
with all these thoughts in my head.

testing

trying out my new .net

Dreams.

I was looking through my livejournal and I saw something I wrote 2.something years ago, about my dreams of finishing thesis.

here's an excerpt of what i wrote,

I would absolutely take a programming break, and a school break. I'm referring to a solid month (or 2) of just sitting and absolutely rotting myself of any information that has been making my brain a mine field of little explosions from time to time of all the non-stop pumping of unwanted and unecessary knowledge, mind you.

I'm taking about rolling along white sand beaches of Boracay, non-stop movies at Powerplant alongside tubs and tubs of butter popcorn and enormous cups of rootbeer, endless frapuccinos and coffee dates at Starbucks, bar-hopping and gorging in luscious Bailey's Irish Cream, vodka cruisers, frozen margaritas and downing shot after shot of tequilla, experiencing wonderful cold weather at Tagaytay or in Baguio, going abroad for a few weeks, overnights on 5 star hotels, soaking hours in a bathtub complete with bubbles until I'm in a prune-like state, have a foodfest at home, bake all the oatmeal cookies I want, visit more worthwhile theme parks (Hong Kong Disneyland!!!), riding excessive roller-coasters until I puke, sitting on the grass, get lovable pets!, watching the sunset at baywalk, watching the sunset, watching the sunrise, organize a reunion for s19 people, engage back addiction to Ragnarok Online, play all the games I want, and work up in a sweating frenzy from Dance Dance Revolution just to name a few...

So far, I was able to stroll in white sand beaches of Bohol, Palawan and Shangrila Mactan, Cebu. spend time watching movies in Glorietta and Greenbelt with friends minus the butter popcorn since I feel that Powerplant's buttered popcorn reigns supreme. No enormous cups of rootbeer since the counting calorie stint. Endless tall non-fat 2 equal lattes at Starbucks that has been my addiction since work and truckloads of visa receipts after the 5 planner craze. I have finally realized that clubs aren't really my thing, but I still like getting the occasional drinks for the nice, little buzz. I have been to Tagaytay with family but never with friends, and experience the absolutely wonderful cold spring of 12-16 degrees in Shanghai of 2005 and the almost same temperature in Hong Kong just this year. So that includes going abroad. And going to the worthwhile theme parks (HK Disneyland). I haven't been riding excessive roller coasters since the first try made me want to spew out nothing. I haven't been sitting on the grass much. Nor did I had time to get wonderful pets. But I did see a little kitten that caught my eye and made me fall in love. Sunrise and Sunset was experience in Cebu and Manila at various times of overtime and not so overtime. Did some reunions with s19 and ST people throughout the 2 years and tried getting back to Deliverance-Online, went back to Dota and even won the NSP Sportsfest, owned a DS Lite, got my two babies schroeder and wilson, and worked up a sweat from dance maniax.

Now, dreams have been escalating into bigger proportions, recently booked a flight to Palawan
with friends, planning another Hong Kong trip with friends yet again (hopefully in the cold weather). Want to stroll in the sakura blossoms, and experience a white christmas. Go abroad to work, have enough money for a condo, buy lots of albums, watch my cousin's band live in the US. Maybe study again. I don't know...

I just know one thing is for sure...I just want to spend more of my time doing all these with the little boy...all over again, over and over again...