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I know I should post this on multislackers. But I didn't have the heart to do so. I didn't want to make everybody look bad just because I was really retarded on my job.

I have had issues regarding projects. My first one killed what you call, my *gasp* "confidence".

Face it, these days, project-wise, I do not have that anymore. The confidence, the sparkle in my eyes whenever a compiled project runs, the triumphant feeling of successfully completing a code, and the glory I feel after each work is done. Nothing. Everything I do from start to end seems to feel inadequate. The fear, the worry, the judgment, the immense amount of paranoia. To the point that I don't have the slightest sense of better judgment, the reign of the proclaimed "ST" queen was over.

I have no clue if it is with regards to the people I've worked with. Some are generally bossy. You know, the feeling of being in control is probably highly satisfying on their part. Fresh live meat ready for the taking.

I have been bossed around for quite some time. Day in, day out, side by side, commenting on how I should design things, how I should run things, and in the end, letting them take over how I work. That was a time when I was really in my utmost low. Lower than the floor, lower than hell sort of feelings that maybe, it was all too much.

To the point where I had to fight back, not in a nice sense but in my wrathful, angst-ridden demeanor that have certainly lessen the ordering around, but not my self-esteem. Which I say has already been blown quite completely.

Too late.

Nobody was at my side those times. They either picked on me or made fun of me or sided the others. And I had to do that while I was concerning myself with work and my personal life. I produced a very low-quality module that was eventually taken off the system.

Up till now, I still carry those fearful thoughts. That I will always have a label "The Girl Whose Module Got Kicked Out".

It's been 5 projects now. I had been appointed to a title called "Technical Lead". I may have added responsibilities, do a few more tasks than I'm supposed to, helped a few glitches here and there. But I don't feel successful, nor do I feel any more better than who I was when I started out working here, as "The Girl Whose Module Got Kicked Out."

Everybody who probably knows me in the office would be rolling their eyes when I say this. I'm too emotional. Or I really don't work my ass off. Or I spent most of the time feeling sorry for myself. To name a few. Some share their triumphant working-their-ass-off moments. And they reprimand me that I don't "work-my-ass-off". Because their hard work really paid of. But mine just got tossed in the trash bin with all the other rejects.

How can you even prove yourself wrong when everybody already had etched in their minds how to think of you...When they try and prove you're worthiness, but with them eagerly watching from the sidelines awaiting for your failure for them to take over. Showing you what a reject you are.

What a failure you are...

the sheer cuteness....

of people throwing their pagers off the balcony at an airport in absolutely giddy fun.

making the day both wasteful and productive

Ah, another saturday of doing nothing and everything in a short span of approximately 12 hours. like today, I managed to crawl out of bed at my own will without the usual callings of "it's already 7am" or "are you going to take us to school?" without me rolling around mumbling to myself and maybe to them "just 5 more minutes please...5 more minutes"

i managed to infuse again my photoshop knowledge during the day, web layouts, textures, backgrounds, dotted lines, layouting, coloring, tracing, layering, the natural high of artistic creation was amazing. i sorely missed it. but today was one of the first times I was immensely absorbed with photoshop without stopping midway on a layout or on a project.

it's summer. and the heat is just excruciating. i'm sweating just sitting in the living room slaving on the supposed "art".

eating the macapuno ice cream didn't really help either. i just want to dump it on my head.

*sigh* next stop...HTML and CSS yet again. w00t.

the significance of friends

nobody really knows how much i adore my friendship with people whom i refer as friends. these are the people whom i can trust, with people whom i can talk to, tell my own secrets, my own frustrations. be it online, offline, over dinner, over coffee, over cigarettes.

nobody knew about my dark past, where i was taunted with horrible names and laughed at my quirkiness. it wasn't easy for me. to stay in school was dreadful. where i count the days until it's the summer or go to sleep in tears wishing i don't have to go there to be judged harshly by self-proclaimed 'it' groups and other cliques that i had to go through my life.

now, i may have that behind me, but it doesn't mean i have forgotten. everytime i feel the hurt from people whom i call "friends" because they value me less, i feel the pain of elementary and high school all over again.

frankly, i feel that i am having the same nightmare all over again...

and...it's so funny...when the people whom you thought you can trust....not.

grubby little hands touching my ds...!@&^#(*$@!

naturally. my spoiled little sister (who is 10 going 2) forgotten all about her gameboy advance when she saw me come home with Amida.

At first, she wouldn't touch it or borrow it, now she is using her grubby, dirty hands on my poor Amida, since last night, first all she was playing was Mario Kart, now she's invading my directory and I saw her playing cooking mama.

I absolutely hate, I do mean HATE people poking around my stuff.

Hay....the misfortunes of getting new technology.

Oh, and if she touches my Pokemons...she is so dead.