On lauriats and weddings

Over the past 23 years (not counting maybe the first 2) of my life, I have attended the traditional chinese weddings with the bad music, the mandarin-speaking host, and the over-invited guests with a bunch of empty tables in between.

Usually, the meal/12 person table would consist of a number of food dishes appearing after every n intervals starting from the appetizer, some 6 other random foodstuffs that would always include steamed fish, pigeon and crab, soup, and dessert. Not necessarily in that order.

This is what you call in fookien, the pan-to. Simply put, the Lauriat. The whole smorgasbord that should be fun to eat, but you should also mind your manners, as this is not a buffet, no second dish of the same type will be laid before you and there are other hungry people at the table.

In a world of Chinese culture, sometimes manners are really forgotten, I think of myself back in Shanghai 2 years ago. A bunch of rowdy loud Chinese people at the next table were in states of drunk and disorderly, smoking, drinking, and spitting. It was a sight to behold, and made me want to drain all my Chinese roots away.

Filipino-Chinese aren't even close. Which is good IMHO, but I guess some habits do stay, not in those forms but in some aspects.

Oldies generally are the most pasaway of our kind (anybody who's nearest to the GI population are more often the deviants). In an all-out formal event, they would be the deviants in slacks and a dress shirt that doesn't even quite fit the standards of an ordinary work shirt or a hideous matching blouse and skirt / blouse and slacks attire.

Don't even get me started on the people wearing jeans. I would have them thrown out of my own wedding.

Moving on to the actual wedding is how some people go all PG (patay-gutom) during the food. A dish in the lauriat is mainly good for 12. So lucky you if you get seated with only 10 persons with leaves you 1/10 chance in getting the last 2 steam prawns/dried scallop wrapped in radish or something like that. Well courtesy is always given to those who seem to be in higher status on your table, which means everybody older than you are or the kids who doesn't seem to know the value of courtesy as of yet, or are too spoiled for their own good.

I remember when I was young and I was whining about getting another steamed prawn, Mom would give me this huge long lecture about not being selfish. I stopped being a priss at wedding events and let everyone grab a hold of the last tasty morsel of food x. It's fun to see them push the table around in feigned respectable gestures about who wants to eat first and whatnot. :) which I was quietly observing through my muted Ipod and my headphones as decoy to make sure I look like some emo college kid dragged by her mom to the wedding.

So there was the Pg crew, who seem to have forgotten that there were 8 other people and got most of the cold-cuts, half the steamed grouper fish and got first dibs on the first of the two remaining prawns. They were cracking the steamed crabs as if they were at home, banging it with a spoon since the establishment ran out of crab crackers, making the crab shell fly towards my mom, who was not particularly happy having shells splatter her dress. I didn't even bother getting seconds of the ube buchi and sacrificed it to the PG crew and whiny english-speaking kiddie. Man was I ever the grown-up. I just stuck to eating the hot red beet soup that was catered for old people. But not people as young as I am! Haha. For those occasions mom would poke my leg everytime Pg couple would act all Pg, and I would be all nonchalant but I'd feel this little humor bubble growing into a giggle.

Anyway, we ended the event with mom overhearing them asking for a doggy bag to wrap up some of the goods from the table (maybe the orange centerpiece?) and me snickering as we went down the escalator and I was telling mom that I have never seen a hungrier table than ours.

She totally agreed.

it seems more me now.

no, i didn't the whole fuck you bit on the banner (although i almost did, harhar). but i'm glad to see notpoems looking more like me than looking like any other web template.

note to self:

* I keep falling into the green void. Must stop.

* so, you've just been a hot topic in a recent conversation (conversations if you count the repeat rate of the story revolving around the table), nothing seems better than a bunch of people all together talking about crap and didn't bother to swing and ask you further details to clarify the shit, the more juicier, the better so why clear things up? and ruin the fun of things? NEVER.

* So, you never really seem to get noticed. Why must you hone in territories of others when obviously you're not god-fucking wanted? In fact, someone who actually pretends to be something gets more beautiful attention than you have so whats the FUCKING point in keep FUCKING trying?!

...

ganiyanan pala ha,
PUTANGINA NIYO LAHAT.

so i'm eating cake

funny thing is, I told my dad i'd be home for dinner. when i got home at 8:00 and thank the blessings of smooth and easy driving all throughout the metro today, (I drove out of the parking lot around 7:25) while listening to a new-favorite album the The Click Five,
and all the stoplights were go green, except for a few timely reds that were to my advantage too.

when I parked the car and went up the dining table was cleared and i have no food, so after the quick shower i scourged the fridge to find anything edible without me cooking, and I ended up eating a slice of cake, 2 dinner rolls with butter and a mug of coffee.

I wish life could always be this simple, I wish life could always be happy :)

i wonder...

if it's possible for the ground to open up,
swallow me whole. then slowly roast me to my death...

come on, just this once,
then i'll be at peace for the rest of my lifetime.

car trouble.

The Altis already had some battery problems when I got back from Cebu. I asked them to changed the batteries since around the last week of October.

I knew I will be hitting the fan with the car and I did. Haha.

After Powerplant, my sister and I went to get gas at Shell V.Cruz Extension. I turned off the engine and when I started the car, it won't start.

I instantly knew it was the batteries, and the attendant opened the hood and proceeded to try and make the batteries work. I told him it was weak and I pulled over to the side of the station.

Naturally, my sister called up her beau first. I called him up and told him our current predicament. He said get my sister to ask for a jumper wire to jumpstart the car. Told me to keep calm (which I was, stranded on a flooded unknown street was more crappy), and call my dad.

Sister called my dad and I talked to him about the situation and they were on the way. So is maurick.

Luckily, people up front where trying to jumpstart a car also, and asked if we needed some assistance. He connected the Altis into his white pick-up and I started the car which gave a purr of life.

Manong Mechanic told me to use the park lights first, switch off the air-conditioning and press the gas steadily to charge the batteries.

I gave him my deepest thanks and even offered him some money which he flatly refused. He said it was nothing and told us to drive safe.

Maurick arrived seconds later the car was running. He drove behind us. While I called him to tell we're ok. And we called my dad and uncle who was waiting for us in Quirino.

We convoyed towards home. Maurick at the back Dad and Uncle up front. I felt like driving for the president. Haha.

We got home at 12mn. Just in time for Dad's birthday.

The Power of the Tarot Force.

I wasn't really a fan of the whole divination thing. My 6 years of logical brain training have been a skeptic to all the horoscope and numerology brouhaha. Although it's fun to take it seriously sometime.

With my sister's raving about a particular reader's "intuition" and "power" I was curious to see what she can say about me. So we arranged to have dinner at Powerplant and my first ever Tarot Reading session.

We got there around 7:10. And only the guy was available, the proclaimed master was drained and her aura was a bit miffed. After 30 minutes of waiting was seated at the back part of Press Cafe at a table draped in woven cloth and seated in front of me is the Reader, a semi-young-old guy in his late 30s maybe with an easy smile as he asked for my birthday.

He started to compute in a little piece of paper what there is to be computed on my birthday. After which he looked at me and explained

I was born in 1984, 28th July with the element wood. Based from my birthday, my lucky number is 3 and my colors are anything that represents the wood, so surprisingly, shades of green, brown, a deep dark red and even black. I should stay away from bright red, for it represents fire. And Fire burns Wood.

In the deck of Tarot, I am the empress. Of unconditional love and compassion. People who knows me would laugh at such a revelation. (there goes Truths#1) .

He said one of the upcoming dates would be a good day. And whatever that can happen will go as planned.

There goes analyzing my birthday. On to reading the cards.

He asked me to place my energy on the cards, to breathe in the positive energy and exhale the negatives, shuffle the deck 7times, and to pick out 13 cards with my intuitive hand (my left).

He laid it out and looked at them intently, asking about normal stuff, if I was in a relationship currently, if I was working, and all that.

He felt that I was thinking so much about a lot of things. Boy, was he right.

Currently the empress is being blocked by a force that seems to be making me hard to balance my personal and my work life. He saw me in so much anxiety and I seem to be having pent-up negative energy inside me building (SCREW YOU!) and it was being a hindrance to my success. I was actually fearing relationship matters with my colleagues.

He told me not to get influenced by anybody but to make decisions on my own. No one should be able to direct me but myself and I think that's fair.

I maybe carrying heavy burdens right now, but everything will be lifted. It was the perfect time for me to find a job supposedly and I will be financially stable in the future.

It seems pretty fair. So when the general reading was over, he asked me to as him 6 questions. Anything I want to know, money, love career, family anything.

Here were my questions in no particular order.

1. Ano ba talaga problema ng mama ko sa akin? (what is really my mother's problem about me?)
   He was looking at the cards and looked at me with this tsktsktsk look. He told me that I will be more successful than anyone in the family, and I will be leaving them. For good. That is my mother's fear, that I leave her. Probably.
   
2. Would I be able to find a good job? Yes. Now's a good time to look.
   
3. How is he anyway? Doing better. His heart is lifted.
4. Will I get married? Yes, not only you will be married, but also financially stable
   
5. Will he and I be together in the long run? Maybe not, there's a chance, but it will be hard.
   
6. Are his intentions real? Real enough, but he may still falter.
   

I have gotten real and very practical answers

Then he gave me the cards, place them on my hands and ask for a secret wish, a wish that you can only tell when it comes true, so I placed my hands and wished for it with all my might. And I did. And picked out 3 cards if the wish would come true.

And lastly, what will be the road of my life. He said that for now, impulse is not a necessity but a need to be rational is more important. I would be successful and stable and I would even have enough money to help the poor. Amazing.

I thanked him for being enlightened (and tickled) paid him the php500 fee and left knowing a little bit more on what to do later on.

That was the power of the tarot force.

two sides.

Life will always rely on a side a and b (think overnight stay and lack thereof briefs). Surprising as it seems, nobody really likes looking at both sides, especially if they have already seen the comfort zone.

I want to talk about the two sides of a particular touchy topic that is very one-sided throughout the years. You can read on to know what I am talking about. And you can save all your violent reactions later in the comments section.

~

It's always hard to let go of someone you love, especially if you really and truly care for that person. Sometimes, you'd think that the world has ended and you don't give a flying f anymore about life, wishing we just die and move on in the ashes.

How we all wish it was that simple, that each time life gets so hard, we just want to lay an eternal rest.

I guess the only friend we really have in this predicament is time. During a period in which I like to call The Gray Haze, waking up and sleeping was the hardest, getting out of bed was as bad as trying to lift 40 muscled men out of the way to haul ass in the shower. I am willing to bet that 5 years of my life has been shimmied away from the massive amounts of caffeine and nicotine that have rushed in my system, and tilted my already insane mind into a craptastic breakdown of fallen tears and giddy laughter.

It was madness. A circus.

It took a while, but the pain slowly went away. It used to be a gut-opening, inside-slicing, God-why-don't-you-kill-me now pain, but there's gonna be one morning you wake up and it won't feel as bad as it was in the X Years Y Months and Z Days that has passed.

I have dropped into that shit hole a few times. One of them was close to me slitting my wrists and screaming "BLOODY MURDER!". Running around the city screaming "P!*#@&$@()!@ niyo lahat!" or "P0t4 ako!" Whichever works. Whichever felt right at the moment.

Now I look back on all that and laugh. All the devious lame-brained schemes, the equally lame plotting that I never did, and all the mixed-up, pent-up emotions that I have felt.

I know what had happened before, you don't forget it, you just accept that it's there and you just let it live inside you, but how you let it live, be in fear, anger, sadness or acceptance will evolve once you have had a deeper understanding of the situation.

This is my Side A, I was the victim.

Let's flip over the tape to Side B, I was the victimizer.

Yes, I broke up with someone. A few years ago, there was a time where I had to have a choice, options were laid out before me, and I know there's no such thing as having your cake and eating it too.

Nobody takes as much hard shit as the victimizer.

First, we go to the victim himself (obviously, it's a guy, if it was herself then there would have to be some side story revelation that I really am gay). The hysterics, the explanations and the pleadings. The manic almost crazy tendencies. I remember the day we sat on the benches at the university having one of the many "talks". Asking me back, asking me all those questions that I really cannot answer, and it made me guilty. Guilty of making a decision that obviously had to have some complications, but I had to be strong. I had to go through and live up to what I have done, and never look back in regret. But only regret with all the what-ifs.

The most recent one was the hardest one, we were friends for years and I admit to being an ass. I told him everything, honestly, I didn't had to go through any pretense, nor I think cheating was the answer and just letting up when all the shit hit the fan. I told him point-blank. And god that hurts. But I'd rather have one clean swipe of the knife than a slow jagged painful one. I couldn't help but think if I was making a mistake or I wasn't, but I knew that I would be lying to myself and lying to everybody and I will be living a lie.

That I cannot take anymore.

During this time, I was probably in all the grapevines that was twitching and pulsating in waves throughout wired places. I was messaged by curious friends who was trying to dig the issue from me. They had to use my sickness as an excuse to open a conversation. (why, thank God I'm sick), when they could've asked me directly without bullshit, without all the crap.

I was judged harshly by people who only seem to know one side. The only side people like to read. I was being pushed into the you're-making-a-huge-mistake corner, and I need to see some sort of "light", it was as if I was on some delusional dream and I need to "wake up". I believe they still cling on to some idealistic pleasure of being meant to be means forever and ever, and I ruined that for them, and they want me to go fix things up and they want me to plead guilty and say I'm sorry for being a stupid piece of shit and go patch things up pronto.

It also seems that they want to make me pay, only because I was honest, only because I didn't want to lie to save myself or to save my face in front of my friends...

The only thing I'm sorry for is hurting him. I am not accountable to anybody else. If you want to hear an apology from me for you, go line up, I'll get back to you, or maybe not.

Being in side B makes you know who your real friends are. And I love them even more, with my life. I am thankful for them seeing both sides first before poking me with inquisitions and all the hoopla. They were listening, and that is the only thing I want them to do. Is to just listen.

~

Going through those sides were a roller coaster experience. Where one side is like going up slowly, and painfully, like waiting for an inevitable doom only to be racing down through all the spins. And the other is going through all the loops, sharp edges and dangerous turns, like awaiting for death.

Both praying for the fucking ride to be over.

There is no ideals in this story. No bull. Just the cold and brutal reality.

Early 2008 Birthday plans.

I, (insert my full name here), will go to Niigata to watch the 2008 Fuji Rock Festival.

AND NOBODY'S GONNA STOP MEEEEEE.

SCREW YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello! from the city of pines!

i look really, really small next to the pine tree

Encounter with the boss

These were the few times I was able to have a chat with our Japanese Manager. This surprisingly, 40 year old man, trapped in a youthful, child-like soul. I told him, part-awe and part-teasingly how he looks around 35, or even 30, maybe because he feels young.

He shrugged his shoulders with a touch of boyish shyness and said, Maybe.

He's been all over the world. Portugal, Spain, Mexico, France, Japan, Philippines, Hawaii, Bali, and all the places he mentioned that I didn't quite comprehend. It was fascinating.

And hello? When will you even see your boss ride the waves using a short board? Totally awesome if you ask me.

I wanna be like him. By the time I reach 40 I want to have traveled some parts of the world. I guess that dream never went away. No matter how shitty or how crappy life may be. Be it if I was single or attached, to see unknown places is a part of me. An old dependable friend.

But to be able to travel, I have to be able to be free.

Hopefully I will be.

photographs and memories

I may sound like a weenie, but I missed having a digital camera. Since the Cebu trip ended I had to give the Canon Ixy 60 back. So I'm left with basically my 2mp Sony DSC-P31(?!), or the LCD-retarded Canon Powershot A95.

Obviously, I am not a professional. I am not honing for a DSLR anytime soon (but it would be cool to have one in the near future if I've grown sick of the p&s or I find it's capabilities not enough), I still have a hard time remembering what the aperture does (hihi, he'll kill me for that one), and I remember conversations over coffee and lenses that left me a bloody nose. It was fascinating and yet humbling.

I am more of an enthusiast. I love photography and I miss taking pictures of everything and anything that comes along my way. Especially now when I was armed with knowledge that I didn't know before, I felt like there was something missing.

Human subjects are a really complicated and yet fulfilling to shoot at, I remembered when we ha d a group meeting, and I was there snapping pictures using the viewfinder, everything came out crappy (lol), since the viewfinder wasn't the exact thing you would see in a lens, but each time you point the camera at them their naturalness (?) fades away and suddenly they feel being inspected and probed at.

This is why I stick to non-human subjects. Like food!

old friend.

I took off from work early to seek some green pasture. It's been a while since I've roamed in the streets of Makati and all it's petrifying, awesome glory. The tall buildings of steel and glass, the old buildings of concrete and cement, the roads lined with trees and crudely done plastic stars that was adorned from trunk to branch, the seemingly missing electrical posts smartly hidden deep below the streets. The underground passageways leading to every corner of Ayala avenue.

The supposed "mock" interview took about an hour. And it was conveniently located behind philam life.

There was this friend that I have missed during the 8 months we were apart. The last time we met was valentines day. He was off to the US and when he got back I was on my way to Cebu. It was about time I paid him a surprise visit.

I walked in the classy, sophisticated building and left my id and headed up to the 16th floor.
The guard was there and I asked if he was still there, so he called up his cubicle and asked for Jr, then he told me that I was out front.

I went in their lobby, with the sleek green seats and waited for one of my most favorite people in the world.

He got out, wearing his usual green striped polo and slacks, he looked at me and smiled a mile wide and we hugged tight laughing after being separated for 8 months, it was nice to see him again.

We talked while he and yanyan smoked, and he went to send some e-mails and we took a long walk to the mrt station.

It was 30 minutes of endless chitchat. We were squeezing all what we could in that short time until we meet again soon for another dinner session. He was mostly listening to me talk. With all my giddy laughter and my cursing. While he gave out inputs and such and shared some of his own stories.

We got to the station, shared one last hug and promised to meet for dinner soon.

moderately alive

I got back to work in Manila after a week of being sick. Hence it was another week of a "vacation" which wasn't really a vacation. a vacation means mimosas by the pool, sex on the beach at the beach and maybe good food and friends, but no, I was stuck just eating porridge painfully, bleeding sores, and sporting a lovely fever.

note the sarcasm.

What else is there? Aside from the current state of limbo with regards to the new project which will be starting November, nihongo lessons at it again. There is nothing new.

Since everything seems to know what the world is up to anyway :)

The world spins madly on...

There are times words fail me. And in those times I am in my most vulnerable or lethargic state.

I just got back from the farewell + birthday treat of my groupmates. Which was a surprise since we were supposed to be treating them.

The little gesture touched me. Deeply.

My days in cebu are numbered. and I am trying to fit in everything that I can. Today's release day, a get together dinner with friends, and maybe a little something more.

Despite the stress, the mind ache, there is a dull, almost repetitive pain in my chest. Nothing in the physical, but an emotional turmoil that I know would eat me alive in the coming days when I reach home.

I want to try and stop time, even for a single moment, just to gather all my thoughts and collect them and nurture them in the dying corners of my mind.

But to my horror and dismay, I do not have such a power. And while I weep and while each day I die a little more, the world spins madly on.

revisited : the (not-so) critical mind of yours truly

I was having fun reading my ancient blog entries and I saw my old critique for an Artificial Intelligence article from my sophomore college years.

I still couldn't believe I was able to get away with writing a report for school like this. Hehe

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Critique for Intelligence without Reason:

For the fact I have once again procrastinated due to immense load of work, not to mention this hovering friend of mine called laziness, here I am slaving away at two in the morning typing up my critique. Which I believe I am just jotting down random blathering instead of the said critique. As this caffeine induced student of yours had just got her 4 grams of coffee kicked in her system, and is now typing up a storm of nothings.

(please ignore above paragraph, but I hope it made you smile even wanly).

Intelligence without reason which is the title of the gory twenty-two page article is indeed missing when reading the pages of the five different main points. Unless I am too sleepy to decipher it’s hidden meaning. Upon reading the last page, he [the author] even admits to the readers the title is indeed ambiguous, which means I am still alive at some point and I still understood the article while I was dozing off and kept injecting coffee to keep myself awake.

I found it very hard to jump from its different viewpoints. Maybe also the fact it was somewhat boring. The statements made might be a good read if I probably had a master’s degree specializing in Artificial Intelligence or Robotics for that matter, after all, reading those immensely deep technical jargon was too much for a sophomore student, well probably not the one’s who has a brain the size of well, let’s say Marceniño Bautista if you know what I mean. Maybe if I had a computer dictionary…

But going back to the article, I’d say it had taught me on the evolution of the constantly changing Artificial Intelligence Systems, never knowing that the only way of searching was to place the search algorithms in assembly language…ASSEMBLY! ASM, COMOLAB, registers, at present I was only doing addition and subtraction, and there they were 20 years ago implementing search trees on itty-bitty spaced memory, now we have LISP, we have PROLOG, and I’m glad. People envisioned having computers think like humans long before there were good computers that do AI for RTS games like Warcraft III (go Night elves!). Not only that, countless robots can now do your housework, and probably your homework but is banned in probably 500 states, play soccer, and can be your pet (now this rivals Richie Rich’s maid Irona). And the next thing we know, we’ll be in a star-wars era and have a C3PO friend hovering around us getting gas in their system, while we have the usual of pizzas and chicken.

But of course to live in that vision, (like the article said), we must first change the way we think of developing these systems. We are doing a good job, but it is not so good. To understand the problem we must understand ourselves first. The complexity of the human mind is still to big to break down into the parts where it will hold the key into inserting it through the locked doors of the perfect AI. So, instead of looking for the dratted key. Go search for a window. Or maybe a backdoor. Find different alternatives, and be diverse in looking for any possible solution. And maybe we can make these Intelligent systems better.

caffeine, nicotine, and a little infinity on high, under the cork tree

I am tingling in this coffee, sugar, and music rush.

Last year, it was just caffeine and nicotine, now i've added a little bit of infinity on high. and god, my soul is singing once again and my heart is speeding at this alarming, fast-paced rate. My fingers are trembling as I typed this entry. And god, it feels so good. To be abnormally, yet naturally high. I haven't felt this way in years. The open inhibitions that embraced me to be flying towards the pale blue sky.

I spent most of the lunch break today at BOs. I bought Fita crackers and A box of West Ice. I sat and ordered an Iced Cafe Latte and under the bright, beautiful sun. It was kissing me with all it's warmth and heat..

Drag after drag and Sip after sip and the beat of the drums and the strums of the guitar pierced my bewildered heart. Whom took it all in, openly and freely, until it ached from all the pleasure and pain.

I should experience this more... I swear... I never felt so completely and utterly alive. The madness fulfilled me. The tears want to fall and yet the mouth wants to escape giddy laughter.

I am a total and complete mess.

it's been a while

the last few weeks were a whirlwind. and i couldn't really think of anything to describe it but indescribable.

So, this is it.

It has been another usual day. The usual pondering in the glaring screen. A little gelato treat to lift the spirits and to soothe the soul. the soft and powdery flavor of cappuccino and mangoes have brightened my mood on this rainy thursday. And I treated Helen to her melon gelato which have eased her stressed predicament since the whole DD phase.

When the e-mail came of his cake and gift, that's when the realization hit me, it will be his last day, and I was far away to be able to clap to the speech and make the usual dry comments that made me, me.

17:00 hours, and the speeches began. I have missed the 0.75 hours busy editing my code only to be reminded by the little boy that the speeches are over and that was that. The ultimo adios of the Super Engineer, Bomberman addict, Ned-Ad guy, Pillar of NSP, one of the greatest people in the office, and simply put, my friend.

It had the same feeling as when she left. A sick little pang in the stomach. No tears in my eyes (it's difficult for me to cry lately...), but I know I'd be missing a lot. The laughter, get-togethers and talks that may or may not be continued in the future. But I can safely say I have gathered enough memories for those two years to relive the memories over and over again.

Let go. But never forget.

To grow means to move on, and people are growing. Left and right, they have sprouted wings and have risked to take flight, away from the safe cocoon and into the vast skies.

Soon, I will be flying as well.

じゃ、また　あとで.

tired.

i am close to 2 months in cebu. frankly, you think i'm still up and at em frolicking around in the queen city of the south.

most of the time, i have to drag myself out of bed. literally. i wake up each day at around 9:30, half an hour before the uber flex-time ends. I take quick showers, pull up my day to 2 day old jeans and a shirt, my hair in a wild disarray of bangs and strands, then me and helen will set of to work either by cab or jeep then we either race to the time clock to punch in our id numbers(twice for good measure) and settle ourselves to work.

the feeling of summer vacation ended when ben went home to Manila last 27th of august.the skies were gray and the rain poured. the bed felt empty. i got sick and even if i am sporting a normal temperature, i still feel sick. my head was heavy and i keep getting headaches in the office while i work.

chucking paracetamol on a day to day basis for my headaches is startling, i don't want to end up being like House stuck on pain relievers so i tried stopping the meds. and i'm feeling a bit out of the weather and i am coming down with a cold. which i am chucking vitamin Cs (not yosi, mind you).

during work, i sit on my place at the cebu office, glancing 8 or more hours on the screen while thinking of logics and algorithms, coding at a manic pace to beat the never ending deadlines. each milestone finished was like a victory and a reminder that the more i work on this the faster i can get home.

it's been a while since i whined. i haven't whined about my work (with regards to project) since it was that dreadful 3am and I wanted to go home but got home at 6am. i was whining like a baby, and i got over it. somewhat. i didn't even bother with the business trips and AOTS anymore, some things are really not meant to be. and I know I have something more in store later on.

since i am back here in cebu, i was dreading the replay of what happened a year ago. the reworks, the revisions, and the failure of coding. my lame algorithms and my even lamer logic. the hasty, and sloppy work i did that took a toll on the start of a supposedly nice career.

i hope i'm making up for it now. i don't want to assume anything just yet. but i want to prove this one last thing, i want to make my mark before i leave. and have digitally logged created by NSP D. Lee in codes that will be floating in repositories when i'm gone. Documents that have my name on the initial drafts , to be continued or to be referenced by the new hopefuls and to all the other memories and experiences that i may have or have not shared with the people i've worked with, the little things, from my unexceptionally loud voice, to the times i was serious enough to give actual advice, to any other realization, and to the people who have humbled me and who have inspired me to do my best.

it's 12:45am.
i'm going to bed
with all these thoughts in my head.

testing

trying out my new .net

Dreams.

I was looking through my livejournal and I saw something I wrote 2.something years ago, about my dreams of finishing thesis.

here's an excerpt of what i wrote,

I would absolutely take a programming break, and a school break. I'm referring to a solid month (or 2) of just sitting and absolutely rotting myself of any information that has been making my brain a mine field of little explosions from time to time of all the non-stop pumping of unwanted and unecessary knowledge, mind you.

I'm taking about rolling along white sand beaches of Boracay, non-stop movies at Powerplant alongside tubs and tubs of butter popcorn and enormous cups of rootbeer, endless frapuccinos and coffee dates at Starbucks, bar-hopping and gorging in luscious Bailey's Irish Cream, vodka cruisers, frozen margaritas and downing shot after shot of tequilla, experiencing wonderful cold weather at Tagaytay or in Baguio, going abroad for a few weeks, overnights on 5 star hotels, soaking hours in a bathtub complete with bubbles until I'm in a prune-like state, have a foodfest at home, bake all the oatmeal cookies I want, visit more worthwhile theme parks (Hong Kong Disneyland!!!), riding excessive roller-coasters until I puke, sitting on the grass, get lovable pets!, watching the sunset at baywalk, watching the sunset, watching the sunrise, organize a reunion for s19 people, engage back addiction to Ragnarok Online, play all the games I want, and work up in a sweating frenzy from Dance Dance Revolution just to name a few...

So far, I was able to stroll in white sand beaches of Bohol, Palawan and Shangrila Mactan, Cebu. spend time watching movies in Glorietta and Greenbelt with friends minus the butter popcorn since I feel that Powerplant's buttered popcorn reigns supreme. No enormous cups of rootbeer since the counting calorie stint. Endless tall non-fat 2 equal lattes at Starbucks that has been my addiction since work and truckloads of visa receipts after the 5 planner craze. I have finally realized that clubs aren't really my thing, but I still like getting the occasional drinks for the nice, little buzz. I have been to Tagaytay with family but never with friends, and experience the absolutely wonderful cold spring of 12-16 degrees in Shanghai of 2005 and the almost same temperature in Hong Kong just this year. So that includes going abroad. And going to the worthwhile theme parks (HK Disneyland). I haven't been riding excessive roller coasters since the first try made me want to spew out nothing. I haven't been sitting on the grass much. Nor did I had time to get wonderful pets. But I did see a little kitten that caught my eye and made me fall in love. Sunrise and Sunset was experience in Cebu and Manila at various times of overtime and not so overtime. Did some reunions with s19 and ST people throughout the 2 years and tried getting back to Deliverance-Online, went back to Dota and even won the NSP Sportsfest, owned a DS Lite, got my two babies schroeder and wilson, and worked up a sweat from dance maniax.

Now, dreams have been escalating into bigger proportions, recently booked a flight to Palawan
with friends, planning another Hong Kong trip with friends yet again (hopefully in the cold weather). Want to stroll in the sakura blossoms, and experience a white christmas. Go abroad to work, have enough money for a condo, buy lots of albums, watch my cousin's band live in the US. Maybe study again. I don't know...

I just know one thing is for sure...I just want to spend more of my time doing all these with the little boy...all over again, over and over again...

Shameless plugging.

m9dhatter started a food review blog called eatsmychoice.

I requested to be one of the contributors, so if you like food and you have trouble deciding where to or not to eat, swing by the site. :)

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

missing.

i woke up early to start the week early and hopefully end the week early. i walked to the office bouncing to fall out boy's infinity on high album. and stopped by at starbucks for my missed caffeine fix.

so i ordered my usual. (the person who prolly has been with me on my recent caffeine escapades would know what i order) and I sat on the not-so-sink-into-me chairs at starbucks in i2.

yeah somethings missing. or maybe a someone.

i saved you a seat my friend.

the deafening sound of silence

as we walked to the office, i had vin on full blast. funny little feeling was playing until i got to my cubicle here in the office.

the music was loud, but it was peaceful to my ears.

until i pressed stop and suddenly i was stunned at the roaring sound of silence.

the place was quiet. and it was as if death had succumbed into the room. echoes of nothingness screamed in my ears.

it was really weird.

Bohol : Teaser 2

chocolate hills at carmen, bohol

peace and tranquility

some hunky dude posing at the sandbar

So, here are a couple of hot men who got lost in virgin island. :Pstarfish hands

Bohol : Teasers

more to come soon :p

i am a risk taker. stupid, but it keeps me alive.

i went undertime to race to ayala to buy our boat tickets. only to find out that viewing deck seats are only sold at the pier and they close at 5:30. and they don't do reservations.

I was still processing all the information 5 minutes before 5 at Ayala.

Oh, screw it. and I asked the taxi guy how long will it take from here to the pier of Ocean jet.

20 minutes.

I did a quick calculation and I can get there around 5:15. I took the chance and we sped of to M. Cuenco towards the pier. Everything was a bit unfamiliar until i got to fort san pedro.

the taxi stopped in front of the pier gates and told me "dire na" It's here.

I got out into the chaos and mayhem of the pier. Think uber corny Pinoy movie where couples and families say good bye and where stupid lovers jump to the sea to race after boats jutting away with their unrequited but soon to be true love.

I ran. and I saw the time at the clock ... it was a little before 5:15, my heart was pumping with adrenaline and what ifs. What if the line is long or what if they're already closed, what if i dont get there on time? or what if i do get the tickets how am i gonna go back? fuck.

my heart was bursting to the seams with worry to see a short line at the ticketing counter.

I told myself it's not over yet until I get myself 5 tickets for Saturday's 6am trip.

So I fell in line, gave information to the man at the counter, and gave me 5 neatly printed tickets.
while i got out, a taxi just got in letting out its passengers. I was dizzy and I want to throw up. But I got to Ayala in one piece. Triumphant, yet wonky.

I told you, I'm insane. But it's worth it.

new found friends

top: brain, ian, louise
bottom: stella, me, helen

cebu photos : food porn (part 1)

yeah, everybody's giving me crap about this "blank" entry so here's the real pictures

cebu day 02 - mall rats in ayala

this saturday morning was spent lounging most of the morning at the room. helen and i caught the movie Prime starring meryl streep, uma thurman, and the yummy bryan greenberg. then we showered and headed to Ayala for mass, and some shopping.

i was rummaging my luggage and noticed that I mostly brought all tanks, sleeveless, and all my as a bunch of people would say, my "man-eater" clothes. so I panicked and went to Human for a shopping spree, I ended up buying 2 new shirts and a jacket.

helen bought new shoes.

we had lunch and dinner at Lemon Grass the vietnamese/thai place with this really, really yummy citrus tea. But I think i had too much of it because I ended up feeling nauseous and I had to run to the bathroom at the first floor of northwinds to spew my guts. (this happens when I eat too healthy foods)

Yes, mucho impormasyon.

And to the news about tsibogs turning into some korean piece of shit, it's true, but the new tsibogs is near the sunflower club, which I will try and find so as to please this nagging feeling of discontentment.

(i won't be uploading pics yet since dial-up is a bitch).

so we just went to timezone, planned to watch a japanese film tomorrow and looked around some more before chilling once again in the hotel room watching cartoons.

friday night was spent with my aunt at Bigby's. I had their amazing roast chicken and aunt had an equally tempting passionfish.

she's actually my mom's friend. but I call her tita nonetheless, we caught up with our lives and it was funny talking to an adult with regards to my mom.

and now I will rest since I felt wonky after my barf-capade.

oyasumi

back in cebu

I never would thought i'd be here again. But here I am at the main office of NSP, typing away in my really low chair and this even lower cubicle walls.

I miss the round table where the old PWLAN used to be located. now since its just me and helen they cleared out some space in the solutions area.

So, here I am. Back in one of my little havens. Alone. Sort of. But not really lonely.

Together with a new face and roomie.

I love Helen. but I missed Nina as a roomie. Harhar. Okay, mushy stuff ends there.

I cannot post pics yet. since I only have my card reader with schroeder. I cannot post pics of our trip yet.

But anyway, we got back here last night, via PAL PR863. the flight was, surprisingly on time. We touched Mactan Airport at around 50 minutes past 6 and checked in at Northwinds near 8.

I cannot believe that they changed Tsibogs into some piece of korean restaurant shit :((. So we ended up eating dinner at chowabungga. Where we split a tapsilette (w/lette) and just had a good night rest at the hotel.

Breakfast at cafe bien and skipped lunch to have some coffee and cinnamon sugar swirl at starbucks. I have plans to have dinner with mom's friend here later.

Yep, I really am back.

say hello to vin

:)

I'm off to the queen city of the south.

Hopefully I will stay updated on the next two months.

fight club mode.

I have a temper. It can be kept for insanely long amounts of time before I blow up like Mt. Pinatubo after a real long mounting period. Bubbling until its got my goat.

I hate being placed on hope, I absolutely hate people piling you dreams only to take them away.

Only to be found out that a higher being can actually crush your dreams into a beaten massive pulp.

I couldn't take away this taste of bitterness in my throat. I cannot help but lace acid in my words so that it comes out with just a touch of nasty than my usual bitchings.

I hate people who assume your goals and disregard you with better chances. I absolutely abhor favoritism and I believe that the term GIVE CHANCE TO OTHERS really means the OTHERS who actually deserve it.

It's fair game until somebody hands in.

I guess I was a fool to believe and trust people who think of me as a mere officemate.

And I was an even bigger fool to actually consider them as friends.

Now this little bond of trust I have diminishes slowly.

home sick.

getting soaked from the rain yesterday wasn't a good idea. the bumpy taxi ride back to the office was a doozy too. I got back feeling all dizzy and my head hurting, so I popped a headache tablet, ate some hot noodle soup and went home.

i woke up 1:30am feeling a bit chilly, so i turned off the air conditioning, bundled up in a sweater, ate another paracetamol and used all 3 blankets to go to sleep.

at around 6 am i sweat my fever out, but still felt wonky, my throat sore and my nose a bit clogged. i didn't want to go to work for I might make it worse.

now im here at home. doing nothing. i know i'm not sick anymore. since i spent more time being up and about than lying down sleeping. but i'm glad that i took the day off work to recuperate.

so. what have you been up to lately?

meme : handwriting assessment

I took the "handwriting personality" quiz on gURL.com
		my handwriting style is... dreamy doodler Your handwriting shows that you are first and foremost an individual.Read more... What does your handwriting say about you?

The "Read More" part is also added below since you won't know when this page will last anyways...

Your handwriting shows that you are first and foremost an individual. A little rebellious and a lot quirky, routines bore you and you're happiest when things aren't operating on a set schedule (kind of makes school and work a drag, right?).

You seem intuitive to the point of almost being psychic, have friends from several different cliques and your clothing style is always changing. You probably have a passion for strange, found objects and might be a bit of a flakester (sometimes).

TRANSFORMERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

KICK-ASS MOVIE of 2007. I swear I was prancing around clapping and squealing what a great movie it was.

And I was probably one of the only ones in the movie theater being all gay for all the robots. Especially bumblebee, even if I wanted him to be a VW bug, it was nice for him to be a really smexy Camaro.

And yes, I am also gay for Optimus Prime, but I find that a given. Everybody is gay for Optimus Prime.

So when I got out from the movie theater, I just couldn't resist doing a uber corny fangurl pose.

bestowed .

As of the 1st of July, 2007, I am now officially promoted with the title of software design engineer 2.

the pay still is almost the same. And I don't feel any accomplishment with regards to that aspect.

Le Sigh.

a few good deeds

I was pissed off yesterday for not being able to go home at precisely 4:02pm because we had a meeting that lasted until 5. and the fact I was ambushed by the HR for last minute design changes in the bookmark. I finished all my work at 5:40, got even more pissed to have missed the non-rush hour time.

We were planning to get food at Chowking delivered since it was supposed to be raining hard but decided against it when i suggested we eat at Zhu, the new Chinese place at 32nd Street, plus the rain was just a slight drizzle.

So we were walking on the side street near the back of the HSBC building and not on the usual main road. There was a gray kitten, all scruffy and dirty meowing sadly, I was immediately taken at it's cute little eyes and fur, but another thing caught my eye.

it was a black rounded shape on the concrete street. at first he thought it was a side mirror, I thought it was some rags, but when I got closer, it was actually a wallet.

I picked it up, examined the contents, a health care card, a dlsaa id and a picture. I examined the money inside, a 500 bill + a few more and I stopped looking. On the identification card it read that insert female's name here was working at the HSBC office. So we decided to head over and give the wallet to the front desk. I was also opted to give it to the parking security guards but thought better of it since they don't actually work inside and they might pick up the loose bills. I asked the person managing the back entrance of the HSBC tower.

err, do you have someone named insert female's name here ?
Ok, ma'am, let's go check on the front.

So we were able to tour the first floor of HSBC, we gone through secured, little id-opened entrances that you can ironically jump over, until we reached the front desk.

I repeated the question I asked earlier.

err, do you have someone working here named insert female's name here ?
Oh, yeah, she's from HR.
Well, okay, you see, she dropped her wallet and I was just going to return it.

If you could see their faces, everyone was smiling at us. It was bizarre. The front desk dude asked me to wait in the lounge while they contact her.

I just wanted to leave the wallet and go eat, but no, they had to make me write my name on a piece of paper so they'd know who returned the wallet and stuff.

So after 5 minutes, the guard came in and was telling her:

Here are the kids (me: KIDS?!WTF I'm 22 already!) who returned your wallet.

the girl with her friends came in and she thanked me a million times with the other one commenting how my pants are cute (i was wearing my gray gauchos that day) and even asked me if I wanted a job at HSBC. I laughed and asked if they have IT positions available, gave me her number and we left. After thanking me again for the millionth time.

I do not really know what was all the fuss about. It was obviously the right thing to do. And of course, any decent human being would've done that if we all weren't laced with poverty and temptation...

g33k p0st: i ♥ rainlendar

it's been a while since I got excited over a piece of software that is a value to my life. The last one was probably jwpce. Which I find still short on my list of must-have softwares in your laptop.

Anyway, forget about that, but let's go to rainlendar. It's been around for a while, but it just caught my eye today when I saw it at KM's notebook. The sleek, transparent calendar, the cute little crossable, progress monitoring to-dos and the nifty alert-recurring enabled events list that will surely make the OC people happily organizing their appointments, meetings and other online and offline whatnots in the comforts of their own desktop.

Not to mention that the calendars alert you for important dates and other events that you have scheduled. And, don't worry about swapping pcs, since you can copy all the data you entered from Rainlendar to your usb drive and take it with you anywhere by just grabbing the information where the software is installed. Beat that!

I took a print screen of it while updating this entry.I love it's uncluttered, minimal, semi-transparent look that matches my bare desktop which almost always just has My Documents, My Computer, Recycle Bin, and My Network Places on it. I have a friend who has his desktop half-covered with icons and damn, I don't like it one bit.

my rainlendar on the right

Anyone who wants to give it a try, just pop over to http://www.rainlendar.net. I bet it will rank as one of the most useful mini-apps for a while.

I am such a geek.

well-rounded siya...

This was one of the first few times I was assessed not in the spectrum of my own little world.

Frankly, it felt good.

The surprise, the interest, and the curious little cats that gave me a really good once over, took down notes, asked me questions, of the most technical and the most mundane (you drink?). and the questions that ripped and boggled my brain, lighting up in different areas at the same time in pure logical and creative joy.

I missed that. SO much.

Anyway, a thud to reality. I woke up. And I was back in my own cubicle. My d610 laptop, my flip-flapping plant, my books and brochures lined up, the piles of paper everywhere, my 2 mugs for pens and disposable utensils.

It was a pierce of the otherworld. It was fun, but it was nice to be back.

I love my new glasses

I couldn't wait until the end of the month. So I got new glasses already. Yay.

gark.crap.f*ck.sh#t,d4mn

On the last day of my PL, we had dinner at Contis. It was a bunch of us, (PWLAN+xGSN), Jas and Renan. It was fun. We gave her a hanging picture frame with our group picture and her with Michael Scofield(sp?) the "dreamy prison break guy", and a Tripoley game.

It was a total food fest. Since it was a double resignation, there were boxes of Yellow Cab Pizza on the West Wing during the break time that afternoon where I had a slice of Shrimp and Garlic Pizza.

It was excruciating to each again so I had a tempting Chicken Marsala with the equally not tempting Russian Salad on the side.

Anyway, all's well end's well as we went to discover High Street. I gawked and gaped at the newly opened Fully Booked 4 floors of fun. Only 2 floors are currently open, but I was hyperventilating and gasping for breath at the books, the smell when i first got in I was in heaven.

Not to mention they will be opening a starbucks store on the top floor soon. *sigh*.

I can practically live there.

Bought a new book too. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami.

hmmm...

I can't even confirm it, but it sure does sound like me that no one knows.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose. You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

g33k p0st : PWND U! whose your daddy, biatch?!

After two days of sweating under the bright lights, going all trauma center, a good number of beeps, a serious number of hangings, and a multitude restart fest, I managed to fix the sound card of Alphonse, my old PC.

WHOSE YOUR DADDY, BIATCH?

It was my second time tinkering Alphonse for hardware kinks, one was the sudden beeping of the ram (loose card), and this one, an actual operation (goes into massive panic attacks and at the same time a giddy, excited feeling) of replacing the sound card.

As boring as it sounds, it was fascinating. It was like brain surgery and you may cause it's death by unplugging the wrong wires and circuit, one wrong move and it's a goner. A vegetable.

Anyway, I bought a cheap-ass PCI sound card for around 550 php. I got home unscrewed the casing and looked inside.

Dust bunnies were running everywhere, the wires were all a jumbled mess, and I have found my soundcard. A really old, circa 1994 creative sound blaster that didn't have the specific driver that was detected by Win2k or XP, I left that in took the new sound card out of its plastic covering and obviously there was a difference.

my old SC (sound card) was (as I found out earlier this morning) an ISA card. It has two large cartridge teeth, while the new one is a PCI, which is the same card type as a usual LAN card.

So, I plugged it in one of the available slots, booted up and saw it detect the new hardware installed the drivers and a restart was needed.

The party starts here. No sound. Changed the settings to use the new SC, it goes into a hang fest. Tried taking the old SC out, still on a hang fest, Now it just starts up and hangs when the audio control starts up in the system tray. A million of reboots later and a bunch of tinkering in BIOS and Safe Mode, to no avail. New drivers? No effect. Here's what gotten my attention.

When in safe mode, remove the old drivers, ALL the old drivers, be it some random codecs, get it out.

then i added my own shit to the mix, uninstall everything and swapped places with another PCI slot and tried again.

this time I installed it on an OS with a non-existing sound device registered.

I clicked yes to reboot and the familiar windows closing theme sounded at last!

I screwed everything back on and tested it once again after the reboot. And there was music, sweet music!

I love my geeky self. HAHAHAHHA. OWND YOU!. PWND! i r0xx0rs. w00t.

Okay, now I stop being a geek.

HK : After a decade in HK island. (day 3) [x]

we all had a late start, headed over the East TST for flight confirmation, went to Wing On department store to browse,walked over from Mody drive to look for just...well nothing special, but the baby g's caught my eye. I never thought I'd get a new watch here. (but more of that later). My dad, sister and I also bought bread from a nearby bake shop (Pork bun, slice of cake, coconut bread with cream + 2 sugarcane juice).


Anyway. after the confirmation, we took the MTR line to Fotress Hill (near North point) for lunch. Why we went there,I don't really know, so Here was the route (easy enough to remember as it is)

Go down TsimShaTsui MTR -> Get off at Admirality -> Transit over to MTR HK line and drop off wherever you wish.


I absolutely LOVE the train system. It pwns owning a car. They also have the neat octopus card you can use for eating, commuting and even wiping your ass off (right). I was craving for an authentic HK dimsum. but my dreams were thwarted once again and guess where we ended up...

OMGz YOSHINOYA of all places. I had to wryly wonder of all the irony I had for today. So out of curiousity I ordered the usual beef gyudon meal.


they had a beef/chicken combo as well what was different from the menu is the grilled fish, no tempura, they have a student meal *which you can only avail if you have a complete student uniform on or a student ID, and classier furniture than Yoshinoya Manila.

The gyudon was leaner, the candied ginger was free and is not the usual pink color, the chicken bowl had a side of vegetables that include brocolli, cauliflower, string beans and carrots and the gyudon/chicken bowls all come with either A) Miso soup b) Japanese Tea c) softdrink/juice ranging from HK$23-33.

After that we walked at fortress hill to find a watch store on sale and this is where i found a little beauty. It was a pretty, white addidas watch with accent of what is becoming my favorite color (green). it was a sleek and classic design. plus it had a 10% off. from HK$245 -> HK$220 (PHP1300).

they had a stopover at wellcome to buy random stuff.

then we took the tram to causeway bay, looked around for various internet shops to book for disneyland online, asked the MTR causeway bay station if they sell tickets and went to the 12 floor mall called SOGO.



I ended up buying clothes for my DS LITE. Hence, here is my dark blue ds lite sock.
After that an MTR ride home and here we are back at the hotel waiting for our cousin to come over. charging my laptop for use to book tickets online. :D